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Home Who are we? Meeting Info Big Book & 12 Steps What is recovery Recovery Resources For Family & Friends For Professionals Twelve Step Recovery Workshop P.O. Box 26145 Baltimore, MD 21210 410-880-2439 | A Compulsion to Fail - by Cathy M.I am recovering from the compulsion to fail, a painful and debilitating problem that has made my life unmanageable. I am also recovering from co-dependency, which I define as the inability to build or maintain healthy relationships with others. For over two decades, since my late teens, forces within me have undermined and sabotaged potential successes. I blamed myself completely for what seemed like purposeful acts of "screwing up," and spent a huge amount of time and energy hating myself for the failure I had become. I had high intelligence, strong academic achievement, an upper middle-class background, and a loving and supportive family. Yet by age 37, I was unable to hold a job, support myself financially, maintain friendships, or date sanely. I tried many things to stop the cycle of failure, self-abuse and self-hate: traditional psychotherapy; group therapy; self-actualization workshops; inner child work; individual counseling with psychologists, social workers, and non-traditional ‘healers.’ I tried daily journaling; reading spiritual, religious and motivational books; getting in touch with my feelings; deep self-understanding; seeking the aid of teachers, religious leaders, coaches, friends, parents of friends, neighbors and strangers. I also tried attending Twelve Step meetings ‘religiously,’ up to five per week, and reading Twelve Step literature daily. I even attended the Twelve Step Recovery Workshop off and on for three years. Nothing worked. Two years ago, it was suggested to me that I attempt to work a Twelve Step program on the compulsion to fail. This was a bizarre idea for sure, but I had nothing to lose. With the help of a sponsor, I began at Step 1. I made a decision to follow my sponsor’s directions and to attend the Twelve Step Recovery Workshop every week. I write today with gratitude (and some amazement) that I am about to complete my 5th Step in recovery from the drive to fail and from co-dependency. Only three things have been required of me throughout: rigorous honesty, a strong desire to get better, and the willingness to participate actively in my recovery. Miracles are happening -- some small, some profound. In one month I will begin my 5th and 6th courses in computer graphics, a field of interest that might turn into a new job/career one day. My close friendships and family relationships are improving; my sense of humor has returned (the best gift I could ask for!); my desire and ability to join the mainstream of life are increasing; and when I look ahead, I feel hope, not dread. All of this progress is thanks to a newfound spiritual Friend, my very own loving Higher Power. As I recover, this new Friend plays an increasingly large and heartwarming role in my life, slowly helping me to fill the emptiness that for so long I tried to fill with compulsive ‘fixes.’ This is not an airy-fairy program. It is a practical, nuts-and-bolts program of action that is changing my life for the better. More personal stories |
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