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Twelve Step Recovery  Workshop                  P.O. Box  26145 Baltimore, MD 21210                       410-880-2439         

Family Inclusion in Recovery

"Cessation of drinking is but the first step away from a highly strained, abnormal condition...Let families realize, as they start their journey, that all will not be fair weather" (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 122). The early members of AA considered it important that the individual's recovery process benefit the whole family. Here was an opportunity to right past wrongs and re-establish trust and intimacy. At the same time, they recognized "there will be ups and downs. Many of the old problems will still be with you." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 117).

 

We, of the Twelve Step Recovery Workshop, have found these words to be true. In certain cases, our own recovery, and the support of our families, has led to immediate payoffs for all. A new spirit of love and honesty pervades the house. In other cases, recovery work seems to "upset the apple cart" and cause its own problems. Family members may feel left out or threatened. They ask, "Why all this concern for everyone in the world but his family?" (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 128). Communication can break down and hurt feelings intensify, each person sure he or she is "right." But shouldn't we be seeking not so much to be right, but to be happy, to have the family system work well for all?

 

With this vision in mind, we of the Twelve Step Recovery Workshop, in consultation with family members, offer the following suggestions. We present ideas for the recovering person, the sponsor, our Workshop as a whole, and for family members to apply. The aim is to assist you in negotiating the inevitable bumps on the road to recovery and harmony in the home.

For the Recovering Individual

--COMMUNICATE clearly and honestly about the recovery process. Keep family members informed about progress as well as problems. Help them understand the reason behind certain recovery requirements--for example, a food plan for a compulsive eater, or certain dating boundaries for a relationship addict.

 

--Be CONSIDERATE and kind. Seek to understand family members' views, and to accommodate to their needs wherever possible--for example, timing calls to be the least intrusive.

 

--BEWARE of certain pitfalls: for example, a tendency to be defensive, self-righteous, or superior in your interactions, or to use "recovery" as a pretext for victim feelings or a drive to control others.

 

--Really RECOVER, so you and all can experience the benefits. Recovery "slip-sliding" creates distrust.

For the Sponsor

--Be PRESENT to family members, either by phone or in person. Seek avenues of communication, remaining sensitive to possible fears and misunderstandings. Seek opportunities to socialize.

 

--Be OPEN to the family members' perspectives, and seek out the information they can provide. ("Have a good talk with the person most interested in [the recoveree]--usually his wife" Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 90.)

 

--Encourage the sponsee to INCLUDE family members in the recovery process--to seek open communication and keep them informed, while avoiding the use of "recovery work" as a tool for control.

 

--Encourage the sponsee to counter any unreasonable demands, but also to keep family needs as a PRIORITY. "He is not likely to get far in any direction if he fails to show unselfishness and love under his own roof." (Alcoholics Anonymous, p. 127)

For the Twelve Step Recovery Workshop

--Organize social ACTIVITIES for the entire family, (without forcing them on those who aren't interested).

 

--INVITE family members to all meetings, and arrange special topics that might be of particular interest.

 

--Provide INFORMATION about the recovery process, for example, through our brochure, this leaflet, the Alcoholics Anonymous book, and other sources.

 

--Encourage COMMUNICATION between different families, to provide a support structure for all.

 

--Send MESSAGES of a supportive nature to family members; for example, birthday cards and thank you notes.

For the Family Member

--Be PATIENT, tolerant, and kind toward the recovering individual. Remember this is a process of gradual change (with its ups and downs); no one is "struck perfect."

 

--Show encouragement and SUPPORT for the process. This can have a vital impact on the person's recovery. Especially valued is practical support--(for example, accepting a recoveree's need for time to "inventory" problems and speak with a sponsor; supporting a compulsive eater in "weighing and measuring" food).

 

--When problems arise (e.g., you feel neglected or mistreated) COMMUNICATE openly. Be willing to share your perceptions and listen to the other person's. When possible, seek a mutually satisfactory solution which may involve compromise.