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Twelve Step Recovery  Workshop                  P.O. Box  26145 Baltimore, MD 21210                       410-880-2439         

Guilty, Fearful, Driven...and More - Drew's story

My name is Drew and I'm recovering from so many things it makes my head spin. In fact, I use a mnemonic to keep it all organized in my head when I introduce myself at meetings: CDEFG. This stands for co-dependency, compulsive drivenness, compulsive eating (over- and under-), compulsive fear, and compulsive guilt. It may seem itself compulsive, or at least a bit silly, to have such a list of problems, but honestly they have all been disabling in my life and my attempts at recovery. Over the seventeen years I've been in the program, I've had to go through the Steps again and again focused on newly-recognized problems as they reared their ugly head.

I'll use compulsive guilt as an example. In my first few years trying to work the steps I wasn't making that much headway. I seemed doomed to "failure" as, no matter how hard I worked, I didn't get substantial relief. Then I began to realize (therapy helped with this) that I was compulsively guilty -- "into" beating myself up and feeling like a failure. I needed God's help to break this cycle and to experience His love and my success. I also needed to focus more on God's will than (co-dependently) winning the approval of my sponsor or fellowship. Real progress began with all my problems when I took a real 1^st Step on them --  realized my powerless and unmanageabilty -- and began to access spiritual help.

The AA Big Book speaks of the Twelve Steps as a guide to "progress, not perfection." That's good because my recovery is far from perfect, but I have made substantial progress in all areas. My fear (which ranged from anxiety to real phobic responses) is lessened, and does not control my life-choices. I am far less driven (to achieve, be the best, cram more than is possible into limited time) than I once was. Re the food issue, I have been at a normal weight, binge-free, for the last ten years. Food is no longer the focus of obsession it once was. My co-dependency and guilt have significantly abated, as I've learned to set my own course in life, forgive my mistakes, and value my own assets.

Life has been good to me. I'm settled in a rewarding career, and in a happy fifteen-year marriage, with two wonderful young children who I appreciate greatly when I'm not exhausted. It's all a gift of the program and God. I just had to bring my persistence.

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